Outrageous Insta trend is hilariously bad
If your gravesite isn't being walked over by an Instagram influencer looking for the perfect angle, have you even really died?
There's a new way to show your respect in 2019 - and it involves a hashtag, an inappropriate photo and a sombre-yet-out-of-touch caption. Coincidentally this is also a social media backlash starter pack - and it got quite the workout this week on the anniversary of September 11.
Some of us see the commemoration of a tragedy and are struck by many emotions - maybe we even pause to think. For others, it's a photo op. A moment perfect for Instagram.
Just make sure you don't accidentally get the memorial you're honouring mixed up with an all-night convenience store. That's the bungle Teen Mom reality star Farrah Abraham made in a video she posted as she documented a fun little outing to ground zero.
"OK … since it's going to be September 11th, in honour of the Freedom Towers and the observatory deck and everything of 7-Eleven, we are going to do this," the reality-contestant-turned-adult film star told her follows in a series of videos as she skipped through the memorial.
Before Farrah went for a whirl around her local 7-Eleven memorial in search of a slurpee, she was beaten to the punch by another reality star looking to pay her respects.
Kristin Cavallari from The Hills got in early on the anniversary of the fallen towers by doing an impromptu fashion shoot in a low-cut dress on a Manhattan street.
"NYC for 24hrs. And what a time to be here. always remember," was the thoughtful caption, before it was edited after internet fury descended. A bunch of designers, Kristin's own clothing brand and her makeup artist were also tagged in the snap.
Look, as a general rule of thumb, a tribute shouldn't involve Facetune. And using it to promote your fun new clothing line is also a firm "no".
And it's not just reality stars who are honouring disaster victims and lost souls with posts.
Tourists are roaming the globe in search of memorials to take selfies at. They're cartwheeling through the Auschwitz Museum to film Boomerangs. Some are whizzing around The Berlin Holocaust Memorial and climbing on top of its sculptures to pose for stylish photos.
When you come to @AuschwitzMuseum remember you are at the site where over 1 million people were killed. Respect their memory. There are better places to learn how to walk on a balance beam than the site which symbolizes deportation of hundreds of thousands to their deaths. pic.twitter.com/TxJk9FgxWl— Auschwitz Memorial (@AuschwitzMuseum) March 20, 2019
The other week as Hurricane Dorian hit the Bahamas, dozens upon dozens of tourists who had once visited the location decided it was the perfect time to post throwback pics from their vacay to honour those who lost their homes in the storm. "Thoughts and prayers," people captioned pics of themselves lounging on white sandy beaches in bikinis.
It's so incredibly out-of-touch that it's actually hilarious.
Remember when we were all irritated by people who'd post photos of their latte art? Those days seem so innocent.
Clearly the stakes are getting high on The Grid.
This summer, you'll look like a complete idiot if you post a photo of you lazing on an inflatable swan in a swimming pool. That was cool three years ago. Now, if your feed doesn't include at least three photos of you in a bikini at Chernobyl, you're wasting my time.
Get with the times, people.
At my own funeral, I would like everyone who attends to post a fabulous selfie of themselves. Maybe a throwback snap showing you on a lilo in Hawaii, raising a coconut drink to toast my death. "See ya! xx," you might caption it.
I want video of my eulogy posted to everyone's Insta stories. And if other people's headstones start casting annoying shadows into the shot, just scale a nearby crypt and get a better vantage point.
I only ask that you Facetune my headstone.
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL THE TRUTH
Regular readers of this column are aware of the charter we uphold. It's really just a loose set of guidelines we approach each day with to ensure we achieve maximum gain with minimum output.
There's a fun little subsection in the charter that lists a bunch of things that we feel are only for losers. Past columns have cited many of them - rules are for losers, promises are for losers, maxi taxis are for losers.
They're more like Buddhist chants, really.
Anyway, this week we got a real life example of what happens when you don't follow the most important of these mottos: Rules are for losers.
Elly on The Bachelor decided to be a whistleblower and warn Matt of another girl's ill intentions.
She thought truth would prevail. She thought truth always wins. Instead, she got dumped for telling the truth.
Because the truth is for losers.