Embarrassing confession on Big Brother
Lured under false pretences with champagne and oysters, Big Brother's self-anointed queen of the house Ange-a-licious is tricked into an alliance before being hoodwinked and almost evicted from her own kingdom.
Raise your Revlon lip gloss wands and prepare for battle, Australia. Our queen is in trouble.
Casey's also having trouble with an elimination of a different kind.
"There's nothing coming out of my body!" she yells from the toilet stall as we monitor her struggle on the CCTV camera.
It has been days. DAYS. Casey's struggle has gotten so severe doctors and medics are brought in to help alleviate her issue.
"Nothing's happening and this isn't healthy to keep it inside of you for this long," she moans to Big Brother, begging him for more fibre sachets.
"The recommended dose is two sachets and you're having eight," Big Brother sighs, and we hope - years from now - this clip is played at her funeral.
We thought the tea bag story arc was captivating, but Casey's constipation story arc just leaps right into first place. It could go for weeks! Now, we all love Ange and want her to win … but I'd actually be satisfied if Casey won on the condition she remained constipated right up until the very end.
Casey hugs her stomach and doubles over but she's dismissed because this isn't an episode of Embarrassing Bodies.
It's time for the first challenge and it's as interesting as watching people hide in cardboard boxes for six hours, which is exactly what the task is. Everyone is partnered off and put in the same cardboard boxes that all the house's white goods arrived in.
It's six hours of listening to Dan fart and Marissa crap on about the '80s.
On the seventh hour of hearing Marissa talk about the '80s, Big Brother disqualifies her for boring the nation with stories about the olden days.
Dan and Mat win and they choose Angela and Xavier to tag along on the seafood dinner reward.
Obviously the boys have a secret plan to screw over Ange. She knows this and usually she'd stay far away from them. But the boys lure her with the one thing she can't resist: oysters and champagne.
On one hand we're concerned for Ange's safety, but on the other we're just thrilled to see her enjoying crab claws. She's really in her element.
As Ange soaks up the luxury, the boys talk strategy and float a plan: destroy Shane.
"Ooh la la," Ange purrs as she cracks open a crab shell with her steel pliers.
The boys want to merge their cool kid camp with Ange's rag tag troupe of misfits and she agrees instantly. Is this safe? Maybe she's high on the surge of opulence and only agreed so those dumdums would shut up and she could continue enjoying her crab claws in peace.
But then she gives us a sign when she pulls out her Revlon lip gloss wand. She's in control.
Still, even the most exquisite evil genius can be duped. Mat wins the elimination challenge and completely snakes out on the plan. He nominates Shane, Marissa and Angela.
"I am pissed off," Angela mutters before summoning Mat to the patio where he lies and explains he only nominated her to cover up the alliance.
The other housemates gain confidence after seeing Angela's name up for elimination. They think her power is crumbling and begin to scratch and claw at her. The peasants revolt.
"The way she treats people like shit sometimes - she's a huge threat," Xavier sulks and we're confused because he's saying this like it's a bad thing but it's exactly why we like her.
"She's lying, manipulative, deceitful," Sarah says, again, detailing all the reasons we adore Ange.
When the votes return, Ange cops five. But Shane is whacked with six.
The queen lives to rule another day. And she's as gracious as she always is.
"No hard feelings for whoever voted for me, it's a game," she addresses the room before pointing at the peasants. "But game on, molls."
Angela escaping the peasant revolt unscathed should be the best news of the night but it's not. What could top this?
Casey still hasn't pooped.
Originally published as Embarrassing confession on Big Brother