Government lists acceptable ways to complain about racism
A SHOCKING increase in the amount of offensive language being levelled at white Australians has lead to the Department of Society releasing a guide on acceptable ways to complain about perceived 'racism'.
The list is the first publication to come from an inquiry into the violent threats made by AFL player Adam Goodes against white Australians when he dangerously mimed throwing a spear during a post-goal celebration.
While the AFL has closed ranks around Mr Goodes, the community has hit back at the offensive way in which people like him are complaining about a new trend they call 'racism'.
University of Essendon's Professor Anita Ficks, explained racism as "the belief that social structures are constructed by a dominant racial, ethnic or similar group in a way that subtly or even overtly disadvantages other groups."
"We are aware of records of racism occurring in the past, but racism is considered to have ended thanks to Dr Martin Luther King Jr's seminal speech on dreams.
"This recent resurgence of complaints about racism is puzzling, especially given that the problem is over and is absolutely not affecting anyone, anywhere, anymore."
The federal minister for society, Oskar Dirlewanger, has promoted the list as a means of limiting the offense caused to white Australians by other racial groups who've decided to feel angry about 'racism'.
"The tone and blame involved with these complaints has put a sour edge to what should be a civil, reasoned debate about whether or not racism indeed exists," he said.
"This list represents a wonderful framework for allowing white Australians to live their lives comfortably without accusations or rancor about racism taking over.
"We call on all non-whites to please consider the feelings of normal Australians when discussing things like 'racism'."
Department of Society's introductory guide to complaining about 'racism'
1. Remember to use your indoor voice. No matter what you're discussing, keep your tone calm and unemotional, or your argument is invalid.
2. Remember that their feelings are more important than your safety. You have the police to protect your safety. Who's protecting their feelings?
3. Ask yourself, did your experience really happen the way you thought it did? Television and media portrayals are generally more reliable than human memory.
4. Intention is everything. If a comment was meant as a joke, and you felt hurt by it, perhaps Australia isn't the right country for you.
5. Don't take offense if told to "go back to where you came from" as the person may just feel you'd fit in better there. Perhaps you should consider a country with fewer population density problems.
Can the customer in the helicopter with registration SPKR1 please move from the pram parking space.
Frisky Business is a satire column. It is not real.