Bach couple’s embarrassing finale exit
After pledging to never make the same mistake again, one confused Bachelor In Paradise contestant proceeds to make that same mistake again when she quits the island with her lying boyfriend only moments before Sunday's finale commitment ceremony in a triumphant exit that's then ruined with a humiliating message.
The frozen daiquiri machine has run dry and the Fiji locals are fed up with having to tolerate these bozos. It's time to leave the damn island.
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We find the girls popping champagne and celebrating having successfully evaded full-time work for six weeks.
"To women! And how far we have come," Alisha leads the toast as Mary, Renee and Kiki hold up their plastic champagne flutes.
"I feel very blessed," Kiki nods. "I don't want to sound corny, but I do. So I'm really grateful that, you know, that it worked out for some of us, and it was us."
The other girls bite their lips and look away. They don't want to agree with Kiki's bold statement that her relationship with Ciarran has "worked out". It's awkward. The vibrations of the Kreepy Krauly in the nearby pool break the silence.
Approximately 18 hours earlier, Kiki was up to her hair extensions in relationship issues. The laundry list of secrets that Ciarran was keeping from her continued to grow and he doubled down - no! Tripled down! - on the lies and denial. She pledged to leave.
But around the resort swimming pool with the smell of chlorine rising up through the morning air, she has a change of heart and declares her relationship unbreakable.
The other girls are still not saying anything and it's just getting uncomfortable. Of course, Mary delivers with an OTT facial expression in her reactionary cutaway shot.
Even Renee can't help but giggle at Kiki's blindness.
Kiki's not an idiot. She knows what we're all thinking but wants to assure us that she knows what she's doing. Sure! Ciarran lied when he said he wouldn't hook up with anyone else on the island. Yes! He had sex with Jess and enjoyed some over-the-bikini fondling with Abbie. All right! He fell asleep in his ex's bed. And fine! He probably did a bunch of other crap that we can't remember right now.
But Kiki has a perfectly good reason for backflipping on her decision to dump him.
"(He said) 'I didn't tell you because I'm falling in love with you'," she tells the girls. "He said, 'I will never hold anything back from you again'. And I believe him when he said that. I could see the sincerity in his eyes."
Oh Kiki. Should we just let her be happy? Nah. Renee goes and reveals something else about her cheating ex-boyfriend Ciarran. She says Ciarran told her she was irreplaceable.
Kiki flips and declares she will now dump Ciarran.
"I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. I look stupid. That's embarrassing for me," she spits, after two weeks of literally making the same mistake over and over. "At this stage, I'm ready to pack my bags and leave. I'm done."
She summons Ciarran to a cabana and gives herself a pep talk - promising that she won't be fooled by his smooth talk again.
He trips in, looking like he has just woken up with Fiji's worst frozen daiquiri hangover, and begins mumbling.
"I am falling in love with you. I know I want to be with you and I don't care about the commitment ceremony," he tells her.
Some girls might be fooled by this - but they're weak. They're just blind to toxic bachelors and aren't brave enough to break free of the shackles. But not our Kiki! Right Kiki? Kik-
"Whenever I'm with Ciarran, I feel like the only girl in the world," she gushes. "And it makes me realise just how badly I want this to work."
She stands up, barely balancing in her platform wedges, and holds out her hand: "OK, done, babe. Let's leave."
They're making a bold statement. As a couple, they're uniting and saying they have so much confidence in the future of their relationship that they don't want to diminish it by taking part in some gimmicky commitment ceremony. Their relationship is real - and it deserves to be taken back to the real world immediately.
The TV screen cuts to black and the below ominous message is delivered - kinda like at the end of a true crime movie when the "where are they now" frames flash up, telling us what happened to all the criminals.
As the sobering update fades to black, we hear Kiki's voice faintly rasping her famous final words in our heads.
"I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. I look stupid. That's embarrassing for me," her voice calls.
We kinda wish the results of the other relationships were just delivered to us in a similarly ominous and time-effective way, but unfortunately we're made suffer through three commitment ceremonies.
Mary and Connor stay together and of course she doesn't let us down with the facial expression she serves up upon accepting the ring.
Matt and Renee get locked in a competition about who loves the other more and then they give each other rings. They're not as ugly as that $800 piece of junk Renee threw into the ocean last week and we're slightly disappointed by this.
We secretly hope producers are leaving Alisha and that blonde guy for last because maybe one of them will get their heart broken. But they just gush and cry about how they love each other. We then hang around the TV for a few extra seconds, thinking maybe an ominous black-screen update will flash up with devastating news - like what happened with Kiki. But … no. Boo.
Now, it's not that we don't believe any of these guys when they say they love each other. It's just … we want them to be aware that it's easy to get swept up in the romance that comes with a bottomless 24-hour frozen daquari machine and a group of seven people of which to select a life partner from.
Originally published as Bach couple's embarrassing finale exit